Are you a difficult parent?!

There is a thin line between being a concerned parent - and a difficult one. How should you complain to a school and ensure the best possible outcome? Julie Robinson offers some advice.
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For any parent, the day when your child comes home from school upset is a tough one. You immediately jump to your child's defence and suspect bullying. What is the school doing about it? Does anyone even care? Even though you know that your school has achieved an outstanding inspection report for 'Social, Moral, Spiritual and Cultural' aspects and pastoral care is excellent, you are determined to go straight to the top with your concern and insist that a firm line is taken - this is our natural instinct as parents. We must protect our young. But is it the best approach and will it encourage the best performance from our prep schools?

Parents and teachers have a common desire to see their children perform well, and working together ensures that children receive a combined message from home and school regarding values, attitudes and expectations. We all understand this but in the heat of an unhappy time at school, it is easy to react in an emotional rather than a strategically effective way.

It is important to ensure that the facts are clear and the head is cool before sending off an email or lodging a complaint! When put in perspective, many incidents lead to opportunities to learn how to cope with setbacks in life. Do not underestimate the responsibility that you carry as a role model to your child, demonstrating how to cope with adversity. Your child deserves to be heard and understood but take pains not to criticise the school too quickly. Children need to develop an appreciation that what might appear clear-cut to them might be viewed differently by others. Learning to appreciate that others may have different perspectives on life is a complex and mature skill which is developed through the school years. Wait until the full facts are known and seek to understand how this situation came about. You have a right to discussion with the school but before taking the matter 'to the top', consider your options and the outcome that you seek.

Do not promise your child that you will have a decision overturned. That might not be possible, at least in the short term. Listen to your child's concerns carefully and talk through the options for action. Be sympathetic and open-minded, encouraging the child to express feelings and describe events. Some children prefer to avoid fuss and might want to share their thoughts with you but then leave the matter for the time being. Simply talking it through helps. By leaping in and attempting to fight their battles for them, you might damage your relationship with your children and, ultimately, discourage them from confiding in you.

When you speak to the school staff about any issue, ensure that you are addressing the right person and find a time when you will be heard. Appreciating that teachers are very busy, you might send a short note or leave a message outlining the problem and asking a teacher to get in touch as soon as is convenient. This gives the staff an opportunity to investigate before they meet with you. Do not stalk the teachers in the corridors first thing in the morning!

Schools are complex institutions involving multiple interactions and life does not always run smoothly. In the case of a relatively minor incident, support your child by asking whether this (latest incident) is a one-off event or part of a pattern? Is it something best ignored at this stage but to monitor in case of future, similar events? What might he or she do next time? To whom should he or she go for support and advice? Helping your child to develop individual coping strategies contributes to the growth of discernment and resilience which are crucial ingredients of future success. Seek advice from trusted teachers to double check that you are not overreacting (or, indeed, underreacting). One of the great challenges of parenting is to allow your child to develop independence and this happens across the prep school years. Work with the staff in ensuring that there is a joined-up strategy for your child.

Occasionally, something serious might occur. You can expect the very best levels of care and concern from your prep school. Ensure that the school is aware and is dealing with it. Present evidence where you can and help staff to find a positive solution for all concerned. Be reasonable and allow staff time to put together a strategy, communicate it with others and take action. You can help everyone to keep agreed strategies in mind by writing a brief follow-up letter, summarising your understanding of the way ahead. Allow time for the school to deal with the issue and book a follow-up meeting when you can discuss progress and review how things are going. If you are dissatisfied, work your way up the staff hierarchy in stages.

Some of the most tricky issues that I dealt with involved breakdowns in relationships. It is worth bearing in mind that friendship issues between children very often resolve themselves over time and pupils who are sworn enemies in one year can become the best of friends the next. Children need to learn to interact effectively, to tolerate others and seek to understand alternative points of view. It does not always come easily, but it is an important aspect of social development.

School experiences are important in developing each child's self-esteem and social skills. Be positive about school and talk over potential ways to deal with difficulties so that your child develops a hopeful and positive perspective. If your child habitually complains about school life, encourage more positive self-talk by asking what went well today. Reframe difficult experiences as opportunities: 'What can we learn from that? What might you do next time?' - and be a support in the background. You cannot fight your child's battles, nor would it be helpful if you tried to do so.

We read about pushy parents, helicopter parents and now dragon parenting. Whatever your natural style, try to take a long term view by considering your role in your child's life. To be an enabler, you will need to listen, understand and suggest action yet allow your child increasingly to take control over her or his own actions and decisions. You are there to love and support in the background.

As a prep school Head, I saw my role as supporting children, staff and parents and would always counsel parents who felt reticent about raising an issue to go ahead and express their worries. Schools and parents should work in partnership to support the children, so do not be afraid to raise a concern. Just do so in a measured way, working with the school rather than against it. I used to very much appreciate the parent who would approach an issue neutrally: 'I've been hearing some worrying things and I wanted to bring this to you. I might have the wrong end of the stick. I am not seeking to apportion blame, I just want to ensure that the school has everything in hand and talk my concern through with you...' Rather than feeling defensive or under attack, I knew that I could be supportive and we would have a productive discussion.

A father once called me at the weekend, furious that the school telephone had gone unanswered for some minutes. He became very worked up about the fact that no-one had bothered to answer the telephone and demanded to speak to his son. After listening to his ill-tempered outburst, it fell to me to point out that it was in fact exeat weekend, so his son was staying with friends. Choose your battles with care!

Julie Robinson is the Education and Training Director of IAPS and a Contributing Editor of Attain.

 

Things to remember

  • Give the school the benefit of the doubt
  • Check your facts
  • Wait until you are calm before contacting school
  • Explain the problem and outline what you would like done to resolve it
  • Maintain a sense of perspective, particularly when talking things through with your child
  • Save serious complaints for private meetings

 

...and things to avoid!

  • Taking gossip at face value
  • Embarrassing your child trying to fight their battles
  • Sending curt communications using inflammatory language - especially with emails
  • Rushing into school whilst you feel emotional
  • Mixing several complaints, confusing the issue
  • Indulging in petty complaints
  • Making demands and refuse to compromise
 
This article first appeared in the Summer 2011 issue of Attain.